"Why Me?"

“Why Me?”

Posted October 11th 2011 at 9:06 AM

“Everyone turn to page 222 in your science textbook!” says Mrs. Eberle, my third grade teacher.  “Hey look guys it’s Amber!” yells Charles.  All of a sudden I’m surrounded by laughter.  “What is everyone laughing at?” I ask myself.  As my eyes slowly scroll down the page, I come across a picture of a gorilla.  “Ok class, settle down, that’s enough” Mrs. Eberle yells.  “Let them laugh, it’s too late; the damage has already been done,” I say to myself.  Children never forget the names they are called.  Verbal bullying is not only traumatizing but mentally scares it’s victims for a lifetime.

To some people being called a gorilla in class is humiliating and embarrassing, but for me it’s just a typical happening in the life of Amber Mitchell.  I get called all kinds of names daily like “bear” and “pig”; they even make animal noises too.  “Fatty”, “fatso”, “ugly”, “Godzilla”, yep that’s me.  I’ve been accused of breaking a swing, the desk, and getting stuck on the slide at recess.  I tell myself every time they laugh at me “sticks and stones may break my bones but words sure can’t hurt me”, but it doesn’t help ease the pain in my heart or my eyes from watering.  “Don’t let’em see you cry,” I tell myself because it will only make things worse.

I don’t know why they’re so mean to me; I’m so nice to them.  “Hey Amber, can I borrow a pencil?” Charles, the main kid who makes my life a living hell asks.  “Sure” I say, even though he’s so cruel.  “Hey Amber, did you do your homework? Can I see it?” asks Brittney.  “Sure” I say.  After all Brittney’s my friend even though she laughs along with the others and sometimes ignores me, she’s still my friend. I just know it.

“Hippo” Jason yells as I pass him in the hallway.  That’s it I can’t take it anymore, I’ve had enough for the day.  I want my mommy.  I look down at my yellow tweetybird watch that my gran bought me.  It reads 2:55.  “Yes,” I say to myself; only five more minutes until I’m free.  “Ringggg” the afternoon bell sounds.  I grab my backpack and race to my bus. It seems like the bus is taking forever today.  Finally an hour later (well at least that’s what it feels like), the bus pulls up to my stop. 

As soon as I walk into the door and look at my mom in her eyes, she can instantly tell that something’s wrong with me.  I burst into tears; I can’t hold it anymore.  My mom grabs me by my hands and pulls me in close.  “Oh Amber” she says.  “It’s okay baby don’t worry about those mean kids or what they say! You hear me?”  “Yes ma’am” I say.  We share this exact same moment every day.   Sadly it’s become a routine.  My mom knows all about the mean kids at school and what they call me.  She’s even had a conference with my teacher, but nothing has changed. 

For the rest of the night I stay confined in my room, crying my heart out.  “I just don’t get it, why me?” I say.  I go stand in the bathroom to look in the mirror.  I slowly turn in a circle to look at all of my body angles.  “What are those kids talking about?” I ask myself.  I’m 5’7, 230 pounds, and wear a size 11 shoe.   “That’s normal right?” I say.  All of a sudden it hits me; who am I kidding.  “I am huge, I am a gorilla” I shout as I look at myself in the mirror.  I hit the ground and sob, “they’re right” I say.  I’m ugly and fat and fat and ugly.  “Oh God”, I whisper as water fills my face.  Then suddenly I hear my mom coming, so I quickly dry my face and blow my nose.  My mom yells “It’s time for bed Amber.”  “Okay” I say. 

As a say my prayer to God (which I do every night before I actually get into bed) I say to God:  “why did you make me this way.  I just wanna be normal.  Please make me normal God.  Then the kids at school will stop making fun of me and will be my friend.  Why me God, I don’t understand.  Why did you make me this way? Why?”  

I have come to understand that God will never put anything before me that I could not handle and that there is a reason for everything. Even almost 10 years later I still remember the names I was called when I was younger; which still haunt me.  Since the third grade I have lost over 70 pounds, but mentally I still view myself as the fat girl.  On a positive note my confidence and self-esteem has slowly increased over the years.  Children need to be educated on the negativity and effects of bullying.  No child deserves to experience the emotional and mental pain that I felt growing up because of verbal bullying.